Cut your losses aka Guilty makes noise

“Guilty makes noise.”

A med school friend’s mother told us this over a meal at Rumba (Vive la Nashville) in reference to the petty behavior of frienemies and snubs that women love to inflict on each other.

I am going to say that is a universal truth. The more explaining someone does when you ask or address  about a concern/question is directly proportional to how much they feel they are trapped and are trying to get out. And how NOT innocent they are.

The theme of 2013 is going to be the death of a friendship. both literally and figuratively. granted MG’s death does not mean our friendship is over. I just won’t get picked up and swung around a room, have someone threaten to beat up someone who has hurt me, or dissect the fine points of cable tv with me any longer. 

I think women are sometimes horrid to each other. but more so, cowardly. they hide behind vapidness, when they are often extremely calculating. or they hide behind vapidness when they just don’t want to face the music.

friendship is hard work. when you are friends with someone you are not sleeping with, you can’t “seduce’ your way into someone’s good graces, you have to “human” up and address things. you HAVE to talk. cry if you have to. wave your hands around. pace. 

real relationships that have depth are not for the faint of heart. and they will survive distance, miscommunication, silence, annoyance, and confusion.

i’m starting to think that if they don’t survive they were a mirage to begin with. merely something convenient for a period of time.

as an extrovert, i gain a lot of my energy from friends. i put a lot of energy in and i process my feelings/hopes/fears/dreams with them. which is why i lack a lot of tolerance for being screwed over. or at least feeling like I am. 

Love is definitely action more so than words. It is making people a priority. Letting them share in your celebrations as much as your griefs. I appreciate the friends I do have.

the people who ask how I am feeling. the people who call. the people who write. the people who visit. the people who pray for me. the people who ask me to do life with them.

we don’t have to see everything thing the same. we can disagree. but we can still support each other.

* I apparently don’t have photos of Karen, Courtney, Ali, Rebecca, Danna, Prouty, Gwen or Ayesha on my computer which is upsetting to me. Must be on the external hard drive, but I’m shouting you out ladies.

 

 Image

ImageImageImageImageImageImage

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

So much to say

So I have been in Manhattan for about a month. 

Thoughts:

I am really glad to have a roommate.  She is absolutely lovely. I would feel really lonely here if I didn’t. It’s interesting how I might know people here, but because of being spread across town/boroughs and different work and travel schedules, I haven’t really seen anyone that I know.

I also have not heard from anyone to make plans. With the exception of friends who have moved away from the city as I moved here, friends who have popped into town, and one friend who lives here, no one else that I told I would be moving here has called to check in or make plans. My favorite, was when I told someone I thought was a friend that I was moving, and they responded with, “good luck with your move.” 

wow. 

thanks a lot. 

in addition, I am struck by the really good friends I have who live in various places that I really miss. I think MG’s death has also made this much more acute. I have this desire to really connect with people, and feel like I’m coming up short. 

I’ll be so happy when Allie arrives. The fellowship of Believers is something I’m really missing here. (shout out to Chachu and the Liberti peeps). I have found a church that I think is a good fit, but I haven’t met anyone there who is not visiting too. 

sigh.

Growing pains I guess.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

life and its curveballs

You never think your best friend will be dead shortly after you turn 30.

it just isn’t something you think about. or prep yourself for.

my best friend died on Sunday after a short acute sickness and a more protracted illness with flares and remissions.

I saw her in the ICU, sedated and intubated a few days before her death, but I last REALLY talked to her on 30th birthday in March and last REALLY saw her at Christmas.

so much left unsaid. so many plans made that now mean nothing.

I vacillate between grief and stoicism because there is so much else going on. I just don’t know what to feel. or really say. or think.

but I knew I needed to get it out on here. and so I did. there might be more later. this had been rolling around in my head for a bit.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

love really is all around

this last week was a whirlwind. I turned 30, and what I anticipated as an uneventful day because many of my loved ones were spread abroad, ended up being a sleeper hit.

I ate a piece of berry lavender crumble pie at Magpie

Walked around rittenhouse leisurely

Received multiple cards and thoughtful emails and phonecalls and texts

Had an edible arrangement sent to me care of Elham and Lisa

Sushi dinner with my aunt debra, and then a lemon drop cupcake homemade by Aleta, and a shuttling off to dance on a boat into the wee hours of the morning with friends from church.

My younger brother graduated that Sunday, and my entire family spent a weekend in a resort in the Shenandoah valley celebrating the end of his schooling.

I was home for no time, before I headed out to Chicago for my dear friend Danna’s wedding.

For starters, I got to stay with a friend from elementary school days. we had not spent time together as adults, ever, and it was a treat. it is pretty awesome to still find common ground with people who were extremely close to you years ago. we even went to the green mill jazz club on saturday night, and were privy to an AMAZING jam session.

But the wedding. I was so fortunate to be able to witness one of the most beautiful weddings I have seen in a while. There was such joy and gratitude and the couple had been on their individual faith journeys and then found each other on the same path.

Danna and David, your honoring of God during your engagement, your faithfulness to integrity and purity, even though it isn’t easy, your testimony to Christ’s faithfulness and grace, was so fantastic to witness.

It reminds me that God is good, does have a plan, and that standing on HIS promises and finding fulfillment in HIM alone is sufficient.

now off to dance. later kids.

ImageImageImage

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

goodbye 20s, hello 30–nice to meet you

 

ImageImageImageImage

the 20s have been interesting. I remember my 20th birthday, I was greeted with a sesame street ice cream cake by none other than James Wells at my dorm in the middle of finals studying. After finals were over, I had a joint birthday party with Michelle Higgins, my bible study leader. and she proceeded to then try to mash my face in another birthday cake. good times. 

This decade has been full of love, loss, and everything in between.

I graduated from college, medical school, and almost completely finished my residency (formally ends in June). 

I lost my grandfather, great-grandmother, and one of my god-mothers to the thief that will steal us all one day.

I’ve had my share of friend drama–with people walking out most likely never to return, and the battles that didn’t dictate the war—friends that now are closer than ever before (Love you Silpsley and Allison).

I’ve lived in Nashville and Philadelphia, and am now Manhattan (a dream no more!) bound.

I’ve lived with a crazy roommate, and multiple other wonderful roommates. I’ve lived alone, learning to relish my solitude. 

I’ve had my heart broken once and my ego bruised numerous times. And I have moved on, I presume better for the process. 😉

 

I’ve lost my focus on occasion, but have righted this wrong, knowing that though narrow the way, and often precariously suspended in the air with fog in front, it does leave to salvation. 

God is good. and faithful. when I suck. when I’m a brat. when I’m unsatisfied and envious. When I doubt him and myself. When I feel absolutely overwhelmed and alone. When I am filled to the brim with joy and thanksgiving. 

I have learned that all things come and go. but that He is sure. He has also shown me his love through some amazing friends and my most wonderful family. He has provided over and over. and for the most part, my being my own best company, has been good.

He has saved me. from subpar relationships with insecure and selfish people, from my own sin and hardness. from feeling that i have to be conformed to the way the world works. 

and so on this eve of my 30th birthday, I am excited to see where the next leg of the journey goes. If it is more alone time, I think I am good with that. If it is exciting breakthroughs in medicine, or if it is just serving my favorite population (slowly moving old people) with kindness and consideration. if it is full of pomp and adventure, or just the small treasures of a farmers market, a concert, a moment in a museum. whatever it may be, I say

 

ONWARD AND UPWARD!ImageImageImage

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

things making me happy:1. ice cream. i had

things making me happy:

1. ice cream. i had chocolate salt malt ice cream from Little Babys. 

life changing y’all.

2. Daft Punk and Pharell’s new song– Get Lucky

3. organizing my life. in preparation for moving, i’ve been cleaning out sections of the apartment. putting things in the throw away pile and whatnot. it feels good to downsize.

Leave a comment

April 28, 2013 · 8:40 pm

FROM LAST WEEKEND

I never posted this at the end of last week:

By the time this is posted, I will no longer be in the air. But I’m writing this while en route to Memphis from Philly for the last Gadiparthi wedding. 
 
This week has been a whirlwind. I went up to a mountain in upstate New York this past week for a retreat for the department I will be joining in July. 
 
I have always chosen my places of training by gestalt– college, med school, residency, and now fellowship. It is always amazing to me how clearly God screams to me that I am where I am supposed to be. 
 
To be working with people who have such compassion and care for the patients that they serve– to get excited about the opportunity to meld my faith to that sort of career is humbling and amazing. 
 
I also am managing to read Jeffrey Eugenides’ “the marriage plot” as well, so my thoughts and his themes are fusing together. 
 
It stands to reason that if God can take of me so far—he can continue to do exceedingly above what I can ask or imagine. 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized