I haven’t written since November right? oops.
I am going to say that is because of my lack of discipline as opposed to the fact that life has just not made this a priority. although I guess that would also be true.
where to start….
Music has a funny way of making me look in a mirror and face myself and my plans and my fears and my thoughts and shortcomings. it seems to articulate a lot of things i can not always find the words for. One particular band that has done this for me is The Arcade Fire. The last album Reflektor has a couple of songs that have been playing over and over in my head.
This year has been full of new babies and new marriages and deaths. and moves. and new jobs. more so than usual. I feel a bit overwhelmed with life and its incessant intent on moving forward. I realize I’m almost a year down in my fellowship. which this time last year was supposed to be just a year long (i’m really glad that is not the case now).
I am reminded that my life is just rolling right along. relationships are growing and dying. people are moving along or not. money is spent (not so much saved, thanks new york). goals are made and then checked off.
no one ever tells you being an adult is this feeling of….not dread, not of tapping your fingers on the desk, but still this acute awareness that the clock is running down. and this need, this compulsion to make the moments count is so visceral, you almost want to scream.
and i’m not even old. hah! i don’t even have a marriage or children yet.
So there is something shaping up at the moment. I don’t know what it means in the big scheme of my life (most likely something of value despite the outcome), but I’ll play coy and we will all just rest on our laurels and see.